Giving versus sacrifice and the power of “No”

It occurs to me that there is an abundance of conditional giving in this world. Frequently people will do a favor for a fellow human being, with the expectation that, when they ask for a favor in return, it will be granted. The deed they did is tallied on the “you owe me” scorecard, to be redeemed at a future date. This can strain a relationship tremendously, as things are done out of obligation versus out of love.

The best remedy I’ve seen to combat this pattern is to not permit sacrifice in a relationship.

When a person does something that is outside their boundaries (as in, it is more than their resources can comfortably permit or it doesn’t align with who they are as a person) then they’ve become uncomfortable by what they have done. They’ve put out more than they enjoy putting out, or they have had to lie to themselves or someone else about the joy this offering gives them. Either way, they have sacrificed something – resources or integrity. When someone has sacrificed something of theirs, resentment grows unless the balance is redressed somehow.

When something is done without sacrifice – when the resource outlay is irrelevant, and the gift is in alignment with the heart and the giver’s integrity – then it is done freely. It’s done to support the recipient, and the joy is in supporting the recipient. Not with any expectation that the recipient will return the favor, but simply because it is nice to see the recipient able to benefit from the gift.

So how do we not sacrifice? By respecting everyone’s boundaries, including our own.

One Friday evening, my prior partner Steve called me to get some cereal on the way home from work. I did so, but when I got home, I discovered to my dismay that it was the wrong brand of cereal, and it wasn’t edible to him. (He had a touchy stomach.) I was remorseful and wanted to go back to the store to exchange the cereal for the right brand. However, he was adamant that I shouldn’t waste the time and gas on a single box of cereal, so we should make it a full shopping trip. After a full workday, I had no desire to turn a 5-minute turnaround into a half-hour trek through the aisles.

So, these were the boundaries: I did not want to make a long trip. Steve did not want to waste a trip. And Steve had no breakfast for the morning.

The way we respected both of our boundaries was by going to IHOP in the morning and getting groceries on the way back. This gave him the opportunity to have a full trip, and I would have the energy in the morning to do that comfortably. If we had attempted to get groceries on Friday, one or the other of us would have been forced to go despite our wishes. One of us would have sacrificed our feelings for the other. And resentment would pile up. As it happened, our decision left us both feeling relieved and looking forward to the resolution.

That is the key to a non-sacrificing situation. The end result leaves all parties looking forward to the resolution. If anyone feels reluctance or resistance, then the “you owe me” tally begins.

This also highlights the importance of being able to say “no.” The word “no” can be the most loving word in the English language. It can mean, “I hear that you have a need. And I cannot fulfill it. If I said ‘yes,’ I would either not have the resources to do it, and fail you when you needed me, or I would be going beyond my boundaries to comply, and would build up resentment towards you. Rather than failing you or being angry with you, I would much rather let you know about this as soon as possible, so that you have as much time as possible to find other alternatives.”

The word “no” can stop sacrifice in its tracks. It can also highlight when a person is giving conditionally. If someone offers you something, and you say, “No, that doesn’t feel right to me,” do they respond with an “ah, well, let me know if that changes,” or a “don’t you love me?” The latter is hugely conditional, the Jewish Mother approach. If someone is disappointed at your “rejection” that’s one thing. But if they are actually hurt, then they were offering their gift out of a need to tie you to them, not because they appreciate you as you are. It then raises the question of if the relationship itself is based upon mutual appreciation or need fulfillment.

So how can you tell when a gift is conditional? Look at how much time and effort is being expended to make it happen. If someone puts tremendous energy into something, then says, “oh, I just made a little something for you,” there is a disconnect. There is a lack of integrity. If they are honest and say, “I put thirty years of labor into this” (or whatever) then there is a lack of effortlessness in providing the resources. Either way, they are sacrificing their resources or integrity for you. Your approval has become more important than their integrity, and that is a sure sign that the “you owe me” tally is running.

That being said, be careful to consider their abilities and resources when gauging this, not your own. A friend of mine from Kuwait was given a full-ride scholarship to the United States after a casual conversation with a man who saw that he was interested in astronomy. As mind-boggling as that may seem, the man in question was the second richest man in Kuwait. The cost of that scholarship was spare change for this man. It gave him immense freedom to give as he saw fit, simply because he saw the good he could do. There was no sacrifice on his part.

On the other hand, another man with a fairly tight income offered many gifts of romance to a friend of mine. Flowers each visit, taking vacation time to help her with her tasks, sharing responsibility for caring for her pets, all without any pre-existing basis for an extended partnership and no indication that there was any effort involved in doing these. When it became clear that she was not committed to a monogamous relationship with him, he withdrew everything and laid a guilt trip so strong it nearly destroyed her sense of self.

In my view, romance is mostly a conditional endeavor. It’s an exercise in “What can I do to make her believe that my love has no bounds?” Extravagant presents, public proclamations of undying love, etc., are very hard to keep up for most people. The giver is so caught up in trying to win the other person, they lose themselves. The sacrifices pile up. Once the other person has been won, the giver reverts to themselves (possibly with a subconscious sigh of relief) and the recipient is left trying to figure out what happened to the person they thought they loved.

True love is effortless. Loving things are done for each other because it makes the giver feel good in the moment, not because the giver expects to feel good later. There is no sacrifice in sharing joy.