How do I love thee? Let me count the ways….

So many people call so many different things “Love.” I feel like it’s a mix of different kinds of energies, and thought I’d share my perceptions, if it helps anyone look at their relations with themselves, their partners, and the world in general.

Sensual love

There is a lot to be said for pure hotness. When we meet someone whose physical energy matches ours, who makes us go, “Dayum,” when they walk into the room, when our bodies connect and move beautifully in time with each other without our minds doing a thing, when our electricity makes us tingle with just a touch….

It’s sweet and juicy.

Sensuality and body awareness is derived from the second chakra, at the womb or prostate. This is where we relate to our physical senses, our creativity, our procreativity, our sexuality.

Having a strong second chakra connection makes for a buttery, tangy, juicy, spicy relationship. Even though loving relationships can grow and withstand the test of time without sensuality, that second chakra connection makes the interplay of love so much more invigorating and alive.

But no loving relationship can exist with only a second chakra connection. A relationship that does not have other aspects of a loving relationship – intimacy, appreciation, etc. – will eventually tear itself apart, as the lust for sexual energy collides with the fear of connecting at other levels.

Egoic Love

Most of us have experienced egoic love at least once in our lives. When we meet someone who has the characteristics we are looking for in a relationship, we have a moment of, “THIS IS IT! I LOVE THIS PERSON SO MUCH!” We latch on and decide that this is who we want to be with, because they meet our expectations of what love looks like.

If this particular kind of love is the basis for a relationship, several challenges can arise. When we attempt to create love because they meet our idea of an ideal mate, we aren’t actually falling in love with the person. We are falling in love with what the person represents to us. We are falling in love with our checklist, reflected. We aren’t taking into account that the person may snore, drool on the pillow, or whatever.

When we look for people who fulfill our checklist, we end up finding people who try to present themselves as fulfilling that checklist. Rather than meeting people as they are, we meet people as they present themselves. Frequently these kinds of relationships are the ones where partners ask themselves, “What happened to the man/woman I fell in love with?”

I don’t really like using the ego as a scapegoat, but this was the best label I could think of.

Loyalty/Monogamy

When most of us think of intimate romance, we think of this in relationship to being with someone who is devoted to us, who will share with us something that they wouldn’t share with anyone else. This might mean sexuality, or emotional vulnerability, or some characteristic that is only given to us, the one they love. They are committed to us.

When we are searching for loyalty or monogamy or commitment as the basis for our concept of love, what we are really looking for is a sense of stability, or security, outside of ourselves.

“I know I can count on my partner to be by my side.” “I am the only person they share this with.” It is a sense that this person fills a gap inside of me. It is a sense that we own access to something of theirs. It makes us feel worthy.

When we recognize that we are whole and complete in ourselves, that we are capable of enjoying our own bodies, of expressing ourselves, of being independent, of being able to enjoy the company of others and also enjoy the company of ourselves, then monogamy has a different meaning.

Instead of “I’m looking for someone who won’t leave me,” the internal conversation becomes, “I’ve found someone I enjoy being with, even when we’re both having a bad day.”

Monogamy and commitment become side effects of thoroughly enjoying being with someone.

Appreciation

The opposite of egoic love is appreciation. Rather than looking at just the checklist, appreciation allows us to see all the characteristics of our lover with love. We appreciate them not depending on how closely they match our criteria, but we love them as they are. Those things that might have been frustrating in an egoic relationship become points of indulgence with appreciation.

The key to being appreciative of another’s attributes is feeling love in general – being in a state of love.

The State of Love

A dear friend of of mine, Shannon Sosebee, described this excellently:

I’m always in love. That is simply the state I am in. When I meet someone else who is also in the state of love, then we are in love with each other. We are both in love. But their presence or absence doesn’t change the fact that I am always in love.

The idea is that, beyond self-love, there is the state of being in love. When we love ourselves, we appreciate who we are. We feel joy at who we are. Self-love grows into a recognition that love is simply present. “I love myself” grows into “I feel love.” Love no longer depends on how we feel about a person, even ourselves. Love is simply present, like air.

In the state of love, we grow to appreciate others as they are. Because we are not dependent upon their happiness with us, we can be loving even when they are unhappy. We create the space that allows them to recenter when they are feeling out of sorts, and visa versa.

To me, this is a critical component to a strong, healthy relationship. If our happiness is dependent upon what our partners think of us, or how well our partners meet our expectations, then we cannot be present at the times when our partners stumble. Our joys and sorrows, anger and dejection, are all survivable when they are underlaid with a bedrock of lovingness.

Intimacy

Intimacy is when our barriers are dropped to each other. We feel safe exposing our innermost selves, not in a “trust fall” fashion, but in the sense that there is no reason to raise a barrier. The barriers simply aren’t there.

Intimacy creates a bond of understanding that cannot be had with any other form of love. We can meld our bodies, hearts, minds and souls, but intimacy is what allows them to comingle, to become one – to finish each other’s sentences without effort, to communicate everything with a single glance.

Intimacy can be one of the most powerful maintainers and indicators of a healthy relationship. Typically, the first sign of deteriorating relationship is a breakdown or withdrawal of intimacy. Communication becomes forced, then discarded.

There can never be too much intimacy in a relationship. Vulnerability – the ability to speak from an unguarded heart – is vital to airing differences and disturbances and not be attacked for them. This first level is mandatory. The next level – love communication – is purely juicy. To be able to speak to each other from across the room and feel like you are speaking while spooning on a couch is simply divine. And it only gets better, with synchronistic non-verbal communication and telepathy. Yum!

Connectedness

Have you ever walked into a room and locked eyes with someone? Not in a “Dayum, they’re hot!” way, but in a “I know you,” way. You talk, and suddenly, within 5 minutes, you’ve known this person all of your life.

This happens when we meet someone that we have worked with before in past lives, or at least who we’ve chosen to work with in this one. We have significant back history with them, beyond the simple “back in college days” connection. In spiritual circles, this can appear as a “twin flame” or “soulmate” relationship.

This connectedness is not necessary to a beautiful relationship, but when it comes in, it can make the relationship especially significant. It can make a difficult relationship one where a lot of beneficial work can happen. Instead of simply dumping someone who is incompatible with us, this connection can make us want to work it out more thoroughly, to discover our own shortcomings and help our partners grow with theirs.

Mixing it all together

So, what makes for a great mix of these qualities? From my perspective, the single most important attribute of a partnership is intimacy. If we can’t speak our hearts and minds to each other, then any concerns we have will build up between us and break the relationship.

The next most important attribute is appreciation. Frequently, an intimate relationship can help us learn how to love ourselves and create that sense of appreciation, and the state of being in love.

The state of being in love is important to a long-lasting relationship. It allows us to weather the storms and thin times, the discovery of just how pointy our elbows are, the unexpected circumstances that life is filled with. Without this experience, a relationship can be fruitful, certainly, but much more of a challenge, a workout. Ideally, that workout leads us to this place.

Egoic love, in my mind, is where most of us start, but no relationship lasts if that is the basis of the relationship. Nobody will ever fulfill our expectations, and will frequently force us to re-examine them. If egoic love moves to appreciation, then the relationship grows. Otherwise, it becomes stifled, inflexible, and breaks under the pressure.

The same goes with monogamy and loyalty. If these are the basis of our concept of love, then our love is highly conditional and dependent upon how the other person matches our expectations of monogamy and loyalty. These traits only make sense to me from the perspective of something that happens to occur, not as a defining element of a loving relationship.

Connectedness makes all of the above that much easier – or that much more important, at least. When that connectedness happens and we have already worked out the rough edges between us, then suddenly intimacy takes on new meaning. When we have known each other all of our lives, all the lives we’ve shared, intimacy becomes timeless. This is what people look for when they speak of soulmates.

Of course, if we are connected, but are still in a place of egoic love, then this kind of relationship can be both the most fruitful and destructive thing imaginable. This is what soulmate/twin flame relationships are really about: Work. We want to maintain the connection, but if we hold onto our expectations, we will destroy each other, trying to shape the other person into our mold. If, however, we learn to surrender our expectations, we are bound to transform our expectations into acceptance and, eventually appreciation. It depends on which is more important: our expectations or our connection.

And sensuality? Where does sensuality live in this? Sensuality is a beautiful spice. It makes relationships sing and hum, whatever kind of relationship it is. If it creates a connection like connectedness does, then it can help move egoic love into appreciation.

But frequently, a sensuality-based relationship does not have the same strength as connectedness to move out of the egoic. Most sensuality-based relationships are born from mistaking physical intimacy for emotional and spiritual intimacy. When the partners discover that they are no closer to each others’ hearts than they were before, it’s rare that they will be willing to open their hearts to do the work required to move into that move vulnerable space.

So… Intimacy and appreciation in the state of love, with a dash of sensuality. Connectedness for dessert. Sounds perfect.