Following Sandals and Gourds

Recently Bentinho Massaro found himself the subject of an article which claimed that he was a narcissistic cult leader that bilked thousands of people out of millions of dollars while destroying their lives.

This situation happens pretty regularly. But I feel like we focus on demonizing the guru without considering how they got their power in the first place.

They get it from us.

I happened to stumble upon one of Bentinho’s satsangs while I was passing through Boulder during my walkabout in 2015. My impression was that he had a lot of really useful ideas, while some didn’t resonate with where I was right then. He invited us to join him later at the huge house he was renting. He was an amiable host and fun to hang out with, and I thoroughly enjoyed the experience.

But he didn’t feel particularly more special than any other human.

I think that’s what we tend to forget. Gurus are human, just like us.

Giving Beyond Our Means

All too frequently we fall into the trap of seeing teachers as being more “something” than us: more educated, more enlightened, more powerful, more intuitive, more loving. We do this primarily because we feel less “something” than we’d like. We typically place gurus on pedestals when we feel desperately lacking in whatever we feel they can give us. We fall victim to agenda blindness, where we are willing to overlook red flags.

We end up going beyond our boundaries, compromising our integrity, because we want to believe so dearly that their answers will relieve us from the responsibilities of being human, from doing the hard work and exercise of expanding our own belief systems. And when we finally run into the wall of reality, when we’ve blindly spent all of our money on expensive resort retreats in our attempts to understand how wealth consciousness works, we feel betrayed.

I remember speaking to a fellow satsang participant who felt put out that she wasn’t part of his inner circle, saying that she felt left out because she wasn’t a bro, despite all of her efforts to join in. But Bentinho gathers people who think like him – belief in self-generating excitement and self-fulfillment. She was looking for him to generate her fulfillment. Rather than recognizing her disconnect with his beliefs, she was focused on the fact that he was not fulfilling her. She felt betrayed because she was putting out so much energy to belong, when that energy was antithetical to being part of his crew.

Be Your Own Guru

If we want to learn from others, the most important thing to cultivate is self-trust. What feels right or wrong to you? How can you learn to expand from your mistakes, rather than contract? This can be extremely challenging, especially if you’ve been told all your life that your intuition is suspect. Here are things I’ve found valuable in my journey:

• Observe the consequences of your actions with the goal of appreciation. “Oh, this blew up! And I remember being in a similar situation! Those similarities show what I feel I am missing. Great! Now I can find out what made me think I don’t already have it.” This is different from treating yourself like Dobby the House Elf.
• View trust as a learned capacity of observation and self-awareness, rather than as a lifeline that someone holds for you. This allows you to discover your own shortcomings and strengthen them, rather than asking someone else to be your crutch.
• Differentiate between distrust and disquiet. I find that, when I feel distrust, I feel fear. It’s a feeling almost of flight-or-fight, like “You’re a bad person!” Any time I feel fear, it’s an opportunity to challenge that fear. I don’t always take the opportunity! You don’t necessarily have to do something that feels overwhelming, unless you feel prepared to do so. But the opportunity is there. Disquiet, however, is my intuition saying “Something isn’t right.” Rather than “You’re bad,” it feels like “Something isn’t right here.” It’s a sense of uneasiness. This tells me to wait.
• Be willing to wait for clarity. When we stop ignoring red flags and inconsistencies, our first reaction may be to reject the person or teaching entirely. “You lied! Get out of my life!” While this may feel protective, it can keep us from learning. When inconsistencies appear, it doesn’t mean the person is insane. It means that there is missing information that would cause it to make sense. By looking for the meaning, we gain a better understanding of where they come from. That can in turn give us a better understanding of our own blind spots, as well as a greater capacity for compassion. This doesn’t mean that we need to stay in an abusive situation. But if we are being asked to do something, and there is an inconsistency, saying “Let me think about it” or “I don’t feel comfortable right now” can give you some time to get more information.

Above all, remember that gurus are people too!