Developmental Externalization

Alright, this is a long one.

As I’ve been going through my own understanding of my sexuality, I’ve seen friends going through similar experiences in other areas of their lives, and a pattern appeared out of all of this.

I’ve seen several articles speak to how our chakras develop as we grow. Typically they speak of our chakras developing in seven year periods, with each seven year period representing the development of that chakra. (Of course we feel our energies earlier, but the actual mastery comes in these stages.)

But what happens when our development leads us to externalize our relationship with our energy? Instead of discovering our own expression of our energy, what happens when we mistake external sources as the sources of our energy? Let’s take a look at each phase, then follow up with some general observations.

Years 1–7: The Root Chakra
Trust

When we first come to the planet, we deal with the most fundamental of realities. Who am I? What is my place on this planet? How do I interact with this reality? This is all part of discovering our relationship with the root chakra, which exists where the legs join the body.

If we do this exploration from a sense of ourselves being the source of our answers, it leads us to feel our relationship with our identity. I am me. I interact with the world. I am safe in that interaction, because I trust my self to be there. I feel my innate presence in the world.

It is easy for us to look outside for validation. Our parents are a heavy influence, especially in this phase. If we see them as an example of behavior and interaction, then we can mirror and model them without depending on them for validation. If we see them as a source of validation, we can lose our identity.

It’s the difference between watching their behavior and looking for how our behavior changes theirs. It appears in the difference between hearing “This is why I do this” or “That was a good thing you did” and “I am proud of you.” When our focus is on our relationships more than our own experiences of the world, we externalize our identity.

When we externalize our identity, we find ourselves losing touch with our core selves. We look to others and society to define us. We become people pleasers. We feel uncomfortable alone. We feel a need to be special, rather than feeling our own source of love. If our externalizing experiences with others are negative, we learn to be distrusting and withdrawn.

Bringing ourselves back to our own source of identity involves learning to trust ourselves. That can be in concrete ways, such as making our own beds, cooking and cleaning and seeing how we impact our reality physically. It can be in abstract ways, such as seeing the world from a learning perspective versus a reactive one, or focussing on the fact that the physical world is just always there regardless of how we perceive it.

As we learn to trust that the world is always there, that we are in this world, we can begin to accept that life always seems to happen. We can learn to not place our trust in others, or even our selves, but in life.

Years 8–14: The Sacral Chakra
Sensuality

Once we’ve created a relationship with our own presence, we start exploring the body we come in. The sacral chakra, located near our womb or prostate, is related to our sensuality, sexuality, just how our body feels to be alive.

It starts with self-awareness. How does our body feel? What does our energy feel like? What do emotions feel like in this body? How do we express them?

We also begin to explore other people’s bodies. Playing doctor when we’re younger, becoming intimate as we get older, we explore sexuality and sensuality as a shared experience.

When we explore this from a place of internal comfort with ourselves, we enjoy how our bodies feel. The feeling of wind and clothing against our skin, the joy of flavors and smells, can cause arousal in us even as young children. We feel energized through our senses, and we realize just how good it feels to be warm, tingly and bubbly inside. That leads to masturbation and orgasm as we explore how this energy expresses itself sexually, and we also share this energy with others in ways both sexual and nonsexual.

This is another place where culture makes it easy for us to externalize. Children are being exposed to pornography earlier and earlier. If we are exposed to this too early, we may not even be aware that we have our own sexual and sensual energy, believing that the energy comes from electronic screens and paper. The excitement we feel from viewing pornography replaces the subtle hum and warmth that comes from our own energy.

Sexual child abuse is another factor in externalizing our energy. The connection with our energy gets broken as it becomes a source for another human being. We lose sight of the goodness of our own energy, feeling it tainted by others’ neediness.

Patriarchy is a big perpetuator of second chakra externalization. We learn that we are not supposed to trust our own body energies. Frequently our intuition and instinctual action comes from our bodies, and many religions attempt to replace our own bodily intuition with shame and their insights.

As we lose touch with our own energy and align with society, we look to others to fulfill our energy. If we do not find a willing partner, we run the risk of perpetuating rape culture, where our need for energy is more important than another’s desire to not provide it.

When we externalize our sensuality, we turn to substances and others for physical comfort. Relationships defined by chemistry over alignment, substance abuse, eating disorders, can all come from us missing our joy of how our own energies feel.

To bring ourselves back to our own energy involves reacquainting ourselves with our bodies. Feeling our energy when we exercise, feeling how our bodies respond to different foods, touching our own skin lovingly, creating a supportive and intimate relationship with our bodies. If we have separated from our own sexual energy, it can be useful to explore masturbation as a self-loving experience instead of as a stop-gap.

Bodily energy work can also be valuable. Reiki flows energy through our bodies, which can feel juicy. Tantric energy work can be extremely valuable as well.

(Tantra encompasses far more than we are regularly familiar with in the West, the same way that yoga has many more facets than the Hatha Yoga we are familiar with. In this case I am speaking specifically about the internal energetic body work.)

The key is to love how our bodies feel so much that others augment our wonderful experience, versus being reliant on them to experience wonderfulness. Doing Tantric work with the intent of enjoying ones own energy is a different prospect from working to be a better lover. Being a better lover could be a side effect of loving oneself better, but if it is the goal, it is a continuation of energy externalization.

As we move from externalization to internalization, we may find that we spend less time chasing after diversions. Instead of being into sex or substances, we may find ourselves exploring the other side of the sacral chakra – creativity and inspiration. Using the body as a vehicle for creation and expression, through dancing and the arts. We may still enjoy sexuality, but as our own joy, which we share thoughtfully instead of greedily.

Years 15–21: Solar Plexus
Power

As we pass puberty, we start to face adulthood. How do we influence our surroundings? How do we interact with others as equals? How do we improve our physical and emotional surroundings and the environment? How do we come into our power? These are the questions that relate to our solar plexus, located at the bottom tip of the sternum.

When we come at this from an internal space, we feel comfortable with our own presence. The root chakra work we did extends to the solar plexus. That comfort in presence brings us to recognize that, whatever happens, we remain.

It brings us to recognize the validity of the Serenity Prayer: “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.” That ability to flow with circumstances keeps us from being a victim of circumstances, regardless of the circumstances.

This is Power.

Power can easily get externalized into control. Much of our patriarchal family unit is based upon control instead of power. The common parental refrain “Because I said so!” comes from a place of wanting to force a situation versus letting it work itself out. Even if those exact words aren’t spoken, frequently parent-child relationships are a test of wills versus an applied use of love, especially in teenage years.

We are frequently taught as children to follow codes and rules that don’t make sense to us, to obey people who don’t act respectfully towards us. This can bring us to believe that power is wielded by those larger, stronger, scarier than us. We learn that the way to appear powerful to others is to be more controlling. Controlling of others, of ourselves, of our environments.

In patriarchal societies, we are taught that men project power while women support their capacity to do so. Women are frequently taught from an early age that their power is available through men, not through themselves. They sacrifice their integrity in exchange for security, influencing the world by proxy through their male partner. Thankfully this cultural assumption is being questioned more regularly, but it remains for many of us.

For us to return to our own power takes a similar journey as internalizing our root chakra energy. Recognizing what we can influence – but this time recognizing when our influence is impacting others negatively. It’s one thing to make our own beds and arrange our rooms the way we like them. It’s another to arrange other people’s belongings to make us feel comfortable in spite of unbalancing their lifestyle.

One of the keys to standing in our power is recognizing how much others’ perspectives impact ours. If we feel the need to justify our position, especially a position that doesn’t impact anyone but ourselves, we are trying to influence others to support us. We are asking to use their power, or believing that their power can diminish ours.

When we stand in our power, we can claim our position without feeling a need for their agreement. If they agree, great! If not, that’s okay, too. Our comfort with our own position is enough.

Another thing to help us internalize our power is to incorporate the Serenity Prayer in our lives. The first key is to stop and look at our reality. Really differentiate between what we want to see and what is there – and acknowledge the difference. From that place of accepting what is, we can then look at what we can change, and do that. We can also let go of what we cannot change, which lets us devote more energy to the things we can.

And we can recognize that this will change on a moment by moment basis. Letting go of energy that doesn’t change things gives us more room to make changes, which gives us more energy to make further changes, and so on. If it looks like there is nothing we can do, we can keep breathing.

One of the most powerful things we can do is nothing. That sense of “This is not the time or place to try to change something” can make the difference between a confrontation becoming physical, and a stand-down by the aggressor. It can keep a relationship in balance long enough to allow it to work itself out naturally and more beneficially.

Power is something that simply is. In his book Power Versus Force, Richard Dawkins identifies power as an attribute a person or object has which makes things happen. He uses the example of gravity, which keeps us all standing on the ground despite the massive centrifugal forces caused by the planet’s surface moving over a thousand miles per hour while spinning. The planet doesn’t “make” gravity happen. It just happens because the planet is big.

This is compared to force, which Dawkins compares to a rocket leaving the Earth. A rocket moves because of Newton’s Third Law. For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. Rockets go up because exhaust is pumped down. Force naturally brings a backward motion to it.

Force causes resistance. Power causes flow. Things happen around powerful people, not because they force things to happen, but because of their sheer presence.

By recognizing where we allow flow to happen we can move from a force/control dynamic to a power dynamic. It can take a while, but as we encourage flow and power, more is created.

Years 22–28: Heart Chakra
Compassion

Once we’ve developed the lower three chakras, we’ve pretty much set up our relationship with the physical reality around us. From there we start developing our capacity to connect in non-physical ways, expanding our capacity to create and cocreate. We start with compassion and connection – the realm of the heart.

When we develop the heart from an internal space, we feel our love. It flows out from us. We enjoy the feeling of loving. Not loving any particular person or concept, but simply feeling love.

When there is someone in front of us, they feel the love that emanates from us, and it is wonderful, but that love emanates naturally. We are able to distinguish between loving someone and enjoying feeling their love, while recognizing that love feels like love, whether giving or receiving.

We can love someone even when they are unhappy with us. We can love a child when they are mad because they aren’t getting to stay up late. This doesn’t change that they need to go to bed, but we can love them as we explain that, yes, I know you want to stay up later, but it’s bed time. I see you crying, and I get it! It’s still time to go to bed. When we love from within, we aren’t dependent on the other person being happy.

It is easy for love to be externalized when others place conditions on feeling love. In the same way that focusing on relationships can mess with our sense of presence in our first chakra, focusing on relationships can also mess with our sense of compassion. Emotional manipulation and drama – “If you loved me you would do this,” “I’m so upset because you did this to me,” and so on – can make our emotional reactions louder than our love.

Our desire to make people happy with us, to not feel discomfort, overrides our capacity to actually feel love. We mistake happiness for love, and place our responsibility for feeling our love in the hands of our parents, friends, partners and lovers.

In our desire to make people happy, we also rush to save people. We mistake sympathy for compassion. Compassion is sitting with someone, feeling their pain, and understanding their perspective. It helps them validate their reality, so that they can move beyond feeling defensive to feeling purposeful. It creates space for someone in pain to process their pain safely.

Sympathy is seeing someone’s pain and wanting to fix it. We cannot fix anyone else. We can help stabilize them, with their permission. We can encourage them. But the healing is all theirs. If we attempt to fix them, they do not learn what they meant to learn.

It’s the difference between spotting someone lifting weights and lifting the weights for them. A spotter may take the slightest bit of weight from the lifter on that last rep, so that the lifter can get the weights to their full position without collapsing. But the spotter doesn’t lift more than they absolutely must, because it robs the lifter of the full extent of their exercise.

Compassion allows us to act as a spotter. Sympathy has us rushing to lift the weights for the lifter.

So how do we move from externalizing to internalizing our hearts? The main step I see is learning what it feels like to experience unconditionality. Whether it is us giving unconditionally or us receiving a gift without strings, the power of giving “just because” is immense.

Nature is an excellent guide for this. As we walk through the forest or a meadow or by the oceanside, we can experience how much Nature gifts us. Trees make oxygen. The sun warms us. The waves crashing soothes us. The wind cools us. Flowers delight our eyes and noses. And none of this demands repayment. Nature just does this. It offers beauty without asking anything in return. This is unconditional.

Likewise, we can examine our own experiences of giving and look carefully at what we expect in return. Are we giving too much to be able to let the gift go without need for repayment? Are we giving it away, feeling glad that it will do good even if we don’t see the results? Where are we acting because we want people to be happy with us? Where are we acting because we will feel happy regardless of how it is received?

Having a strong internal connection with our body helps this tremendously. When we feel the energy of our body naturally, we end up feeling exultant in our living. That gives us such a strong sense of well-being that we end up simply feeling good because we are alive. This helps us want to share that good feeling. It strengthens our capacity to love.

When love comes from our internal state, we feel love pouring from us, but this doesn’t mean that we stay in situations that are damaging or draining. It means that, instead of judging people as good or bad, we decide how close we want to be to a person. We can love people up close or from afar without calling a person good or bad. Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton can be loved without us needing them to visit us.

We find ourselves joining sides far less, and appreciating all sides more frequently. We go from loving those who are similar in our thinking to loving everyone.

Years 29–35: Throat Chakra
Expression

Once we’ve connected to each other nonverbally through love, we develop our connection to each other verbally. Our capacity to speak clearly, to listen carefully, matures once we can feel the other person’s perspective.

When we develop our throats from an internal space, we express ourselves with neither diffidence nor aggressiveness, but from a space of communication. Words flow when they need to flow… and don’t when they don’t. Frequently we are less talkative when our throat chakras are well developed. Instead, we listen carefully. But when we speak, everyone listens.

We also find it easier for us to express our emotions. We release our feelings more easily, allowing them to flow through us, leaving ourselves returning to equilibrium more quickly.

Our powers of expression are frequently squashed as children. We are told the rules for speaking, to use our indoor voices, to not scream, and so on. Likewise, we are taught how to listen by watching how our parents pay attention to us. We are taught both spectrums by our peers.

We also use our powers of observation, seeing how our parents communicate with each other, how our classmates communicate, and take those as the rules by which we must express ourselves.

We discover that we can use our voices to manipulate others. Instead of simply speaking our truths and allowing our power to flow through our words, we cajole, we wheedle, we shout, we bully, we lie, all in the service of getting others to do what we want them to.

We can also find ourselves diminishing our voices, agreeing with others, remaining silent for fear of reprisal. This also is in the service of getting others to do what we want them to, but more subtly. We want to be liked so that we can feel safe and so that people feel like doing things for us, or at least not do things against us.

So how do we reverse this externalization? By learning how to speak our truths. This can feel scary, as it leaves us feeling vulnerable. Relationships shift as the lies are exposed. We may find bridges burnt as a result of our honesty.

At first, we may feel defensive, only being able to say the truth under stress or when feeling uninhibited. We may start out being brutally honest. As we gain more validation for our expression, we may find ourselves going deeper into ourselves, unearthing the truths that are buried under the anger, the pain, the sorrow, until we get to the fundamental truth of wanting to feel love.

At that point we discover that we don’t need to be brutally honest. We can be lovingly honest. And as we feel more comfortable with our truths, we feel more comfortable with others’ as well. We learn how to listen, too, as we find our own voices are heard.

Years 36–42: Third Eye
Insight

As we strengthen our abilities to connect emotionally and verbally, we strengthen our abilities to connect mentally. Our capacity to see connections more clearly, to visualize our ideas, to observe more consciously, and to formulate ideas intuitively, all mature as we cross into our 40’s.

When these skills mature from an internal perspective, we view the world from a place of observation. We gather information to better understand the events and people around us. Because we already trust ourselves, thanks to our earlier development, we are able to trust our capacity to weigh information from a variety of sources, from the physical and digital to psychic and energetic realms.

Our insight can easily be clouded by how we are raised. If we are raised within a dogmatic culture, where we are taught that we are to view the world in a certain way, we learn to see the world through that lens of prejudice. Empiricists tend to dismiss intuition and subtle energies such as auras and meridians, while fundamentally religious people tend to dismiss physical data that contradicts what they have been taught.

The best way I know to reduce the externalization is to watch for paradox. Everything makes sense, with enough information. When we find a piece of information that doesn’t fit in with the information we already have, our typical reaction is to discard it. If we instead examine it, we may find that our model needs to be revised. As our models expand to incorporate more data, we gain a wider view, reducing and eliminating our prejudices. As our prejudices diminish, our capacity to take in more information increases, both externally and internally. Our brains become more flexible and elastic.

Ages 43–49: Crown Chakra
Unity

With the first three chakras, we connect to the world through our identity, our bodies, and our power. With the second three chakras, we connect to each other through our emotions, our expression, and our minds. With the seventh chakra, we connect to everything.

When we develop our connection to the crown chakra through our internal energy, we discover that we are both individuals as well as cells in the Body Universe. Our connection with our identity, formed in the root chakra, merges with our connection to the universe in the seventh. We feel how energy flows through us to each other. We feel ourselves directed. We feel our souls interacting with each other and moving our experiences in the world. We accept deeply the connection between our character and player, and the multiple players in the universe.

Our crown chakra is most frequently externalized by religion. Instead of finding our own connection with the Universe, we are taught to believe a specific version of how we are connected. While this may be accurate for some people, it isn’t arrived at organically, but is externally imposed. This can keep us from gaining an expansive connection that is beyond what our minds can grasp. If we are taught that a priesthood holds our connection, or that we are supposed to suppress our connection with ourselves to connect with a Higher Being, then we end up not exercising our own connection.

Reinternalizing our seventh chakra is a process of trusting and witnessing the universe. Just as connecting to the first chakra involves trusting life, connecting to the seventh also involves trust. It involves seeing the synchronicities and symbolism in this game. Not searching for them, but rather allowing them to arise as they do.

It can be easy to want to believe in all the signs and portents, even if they really aren’t signs and portents, just as it is easy to want to trust other individuals until we can learn to trust ourselves. Instead of looking for them and trying to validate or invalidate them, internalizing our connection with the universe leads us to be curious about them. Witnessing without judging. Seeing what happens when we get a twitch that tells us to be aware.

Winding down

There are so many different ways to externalize our energy! Some are more destructive than others. But the key to seeing where to do the most work is seeing where we repeat the most damaging patterns. Whether it is an addiction, self-sabotage, negative self-talk, or something similar, we can look at the pattern, see where we are externalizing our energy in that pattern, then look into our history to see where we learned to look outside.

Although I speak of these as developing in 7-year periods, a lot of the foundation for externalization is already in place in that first 7-year period. We learn so much about survival in our family before we can be rational about it, and we take those lessons as how to find our energy in later years. A child taught to have a significant other of the opposite sex as a young child may not ever consider that same-sex relationships may be more suitable for them. A child who learns they must make their parents happy may not try to speak for themselves in their 30’s.

The key isn’t to berate yourself for not getting the internal memo earlier. The key is to be able to accept it was an honest mistake, handed down through the generations. To be able to see and feel the source of the misinformation, to recognize that it was misinformation, and to look for ways to reinform yourself.

Here’s the key: You have always had the information you needed to feel these gifts coming from within. It’s in there! You were simply taught to point the flashlight outside, versus seeing the source of light inside you.