“Ride or Die” and The Helpless Warrior

Much ado has been made about the narcissist/empath axis that arises from abusive childhoods. Empaths become experts at guessing the moods of their abusers, to manipulate them to be less abusive. Narcissists hunker down and survive, refusing to ever be controlled that way again, to never “lose” like that again.

But between these two extremes lies a third pattern that I call the Helpless Warrior. The Helpless Warrior doesn’t shut down the way the narcissist does, nor do they extend their emotions to learn how to appease their abuser. Instead, they express their distress in defiance of their abuser. But, because their abuser is an adult and so much larger than them, this defiance doesn’t change their circumstances. In spite of their best efforts, they remain trapped in the environment of their upbringing.

Growing up with this pattern leads the child to view the world in terms of power imbalances. The Parent becomes replaced by The Man, with the same ingrained sense of defiant powerlesness.

To be clear, fighting to improve society is regularly required, as society tends to resist advancement. Who among us hasn’t felt at times that the world is heading downhill beyond our control? There is nothing inherently wrong with taking steps to stop the slide or even advance society through concerted action.

The difference is that while the Helpless Warrior is vocal about the injustices of the world, and in fact may make efforts to make changes, they find themselves disempowered from making the changes they see are most urgently needed. Because they were never taught how to make a difference as children, and actively discouraged from trying, they never learned what it took to change systems. While they were defiant, they also learned to be outcasts.

In this space of disempowered defiance, The Helpless Warrior ends up feeling alone in their struggle, distanced from friends and family. This isolation emphasizes the “Me Against The World” sense they learned at childhood. Life becomes very black-and-white, especially if they find themselves unable to feel physically secure in the world.

From this sense of helpless struggle comes the need for “Ride or Die” relationships. Friends change from being supporters to being brothers- and sisters-in-arms. We all need friendships, but the emphasis is different. Rather than simply appreciating strong friendships for the level of depth they have and the support they bring, Helpless Warriors place a tremendous attachment on the concept of “Ride or Die.”

To borrow from a popular meme, it is perfectly valid to say “I have questions. Where are we riding to? Why do we have to die?” “Ride or Die” demands that the boundaries of one person become the boundaries of the other. There is a desire for perfect agreement and alignment that cannot withstand being human.

To The Helpless Warrior, this perfect alignment is required to win the unwinnable war. They romanticize the concept of “us against the world.”

When a Helpless Warrior first meets someone they feel might be their ally, especially if it proves to be an intimate relationship, they will be absolutely lost in the idea of finally finding a partner-in-arms. They will feel head-over-heels and put this person on a pedestal, even if this potential partner is not as up-in-arms as they are about their cause.

But, once they discover that this person is not perfectly aligned with them, they will swing their partner from the Allies column to the Foes column. They will feel betrayed by their partner for not being as “Ride or Die” as they thought, and the adoration becomes revulsion. It can happen quickly, as their entire world view is based upon being in a battle where there are no neutral parties.

What does this have to do with narcissists and empaths? Narcissist and Helpless Warrior behaviors can look similar. There’s an initial lovebombing phase, where their partner is showered with affection. Then, once their partner evinces signs of not matching their expectations, the narcissist and Helpless Warrior both make a dramatic about-face, lashing out and tearing down their erstwhile partner.

But while the narcissist does this all in their desire to have power over others, the Helpless Warrior does this in reaction to their overwhelming need to not be isolated in their fight. Helpless Warriors are in survival mode, unable to differentiate bystanders from foes, friends from soulmates.

The challenge with being a Helpless Warrior is facing the limits of their power. They were in an untenable situation as children, regardless of how defiant they were. Facing that fact, allowing themselves to grieve the loss of healthy power explorations as a child, will lead them to realize how much energy they’ve spent shouting at windmills since then.

In addition to grieving their childhood reality, they will have to grieve the loss of what might have been. Healthy relationship possibilities, learning how to actually make a difference in their community. The peace they could have had if they had recognized the difference between making a difference, making noise, and making peace with things beyond their control.

It requires letting go of a lot of pain and grief, and can be a terrifying process. But without it, they will continue to be unable to recognize the value of imperfect relationships.