________ at First Sight
What is attraction, really?
I’ve experienced that emotional chemical high of meeting someone charming, delightful, beautiful, interesting. Butterflies erupt from my stomach like an alien birth. Words tumble out like the collapse of a broom closet. Or maybe I’m simply so blissed out that I forget where the ground is and don’t care.
It’s delicious and glorious.
And it has nothing to do with what I call attraction.
The soul relies on our bodies to produce the hormones that generate emotion. Our minds get in the mix, too. We react to things emotionally based on our history. So when we feel carbonated or intoxicated, it frequently comes from our egos and our history being triggered.
Imprinting
When we find ourselves excited by other people, it comes from our desire to find someone who matches our checklist. Are they the right height? Hair color? Body composition? Gender? Do they have the right humor? Habits? Communication skills? The more of these we check off our list, the more excited we are with this person.
For the most part, checklists are based upon how we grew up. Our family structures, our relationships with our parents, their relationship with each other, all figure greatly into what we look for in a partner. The culture we grew up in, the physical attributes of our childhood playmates, all contribute to our expectations of our future mates.
This connection between childhood relationships and attraction patterns is known as imprinting. We know of it most commonly in how ducklings follow their mother, and how they will follow a human if they rest eyes on a human first. We are not significantly different from them, down to songs that go “I want a girl just like the girl that married dear old Dad.”
When a person tells me they are attracted to someone else, usually they are talking about meeting someone who matches their childhood imprinting. It’s why so many people end up in the same relationship with different people. They are repeating the childhood dynamics that were integral to their concept of love, family and survival.
Attraction
When a soul connects with another soul, it is a completely different process. The soul isn’t emotional. It doesn’t have a hormone system with oxytocin or serotonin. It just experiences.
When two souls meet who want to spend time together, it’s a simple knowledge. “Oh. Okay.” It can appear in different ways. It can be a simple thought. It can be a physical magnetic attraction. It can be a sense of multiple levels of communication.
But the emotions come later.
What attraction looks like
In my personal experience, I’ve had two separate instances of this. In one, moments after meeting someone in person, I had a message come into my head out of the blue: “Ask her if you can kiss her.” This was not on my agenda, and I completely didn’t expect this to come up. There was no emotion in it, just a directive. So, I asked, and we ended up having a wonderful experience together.
When my dad first met my mom, he walked into a room at a house where a friend of a friend was throwing a party. He turned a corner, saw her from across the room, and knew she was his wife. No question, no wonder, just a calm bedrock of knowing.
In another instance, I met someone and as we said goodbye our bodies just kind of sucked into each other and we made out. It was a lot of fun, but completely undirected. Kind of like my body went “This is happening” while my mind went “Oh, alrighty then!”
The key to these experiences is that emotions had nothing to do with the experience. They came after the simple knowing, whether the knowledge came from the mind or the body.
What does it mean?
Attraction works very differently from imprinting. Imprinting increases as the number of checked off items increase. Attraction simply happens at whatever levels the attraction happens.
Because imprinting is an attempt to reinforce patterns of love and security, great meaning is placed on it. “He’s everything! She’s my perfect soulmate! They fit me so perfectly!” An incredible amount of mental and emotional energy becomes invested in this person who fits the checklist. It reinforces the ego and creates a feedback loop.
With attraction, there is no actual meaning to be found. It is simply happening. This can be unsettling to an ego that wants to create meaning for all that happens. “I feel a deep heart connection. That must mean we’re soulmates! Our bodies interwine all by themselves. We must be twin flames! We speak the same language. We’re meant to be!”
In reality, these connections do happen for a purpose, but rarely for purposes the ego wants. Even the most cohesive relationships have challenges where we learn more about our limitations and how to grow beyond them. As I’ve said before, soulmates are a mixed blessing. So looking for meaning can be crazy-making.
Keeping this in mind lets us appreciate the connection for what it is. We might connect bodily but not intellectually. We might connect emotionally but not physically. That’s okay, as long as we don’t need the connection to be more than what it is.
“This is happening” is the key to appreciating attraction. Even when my dad knew he had met his wife, he didn’t suddenly spin in circles and explode. It certainly changed his experience of life, but it wasn’t until he remet her three years later that anything could come of it.
It simply happened. And then remeeting her simply happened. And the last 50 years together have simply happened. They’ve been beautiful, and my parents are grateful for every moment they’ve had together.
But with attraction, the emotions come upon reflection. They are not the driver.