Agenda Blindness
How many times do we forgive people we love for doing reprehensible things?
- “Oh, that’s just the way he or she is.”
- “Love is blind.”
- “That’s annoying, but I can live with it.”
More insidious, how many times do we gloss over warning signs? How many times have we shaken our heads while seeing our friends hook up with people who are obviously a poor fit? How many times have we defended friends and lovers, only to discover that what we were defending was indefensible?
What I’ve seen is that this behavior seems to be more prevalent when we feel the other person fulfills us in some way. We make a decision, often subconsciously, that the return on investment is worth the risk or pain of dealing with their shadow.
I find that the greater need for fulfillment, the greater the chances we’re willing to take. If we are desperate for a relationship, we will find a relationship, even if it is a bad one. We have an agenda, and we’re going to fulfill it, dammit! Even if, really, that person couldn’t fulfill our agenda if they tried. Assuming they even want to try.
I call this agenda blindness.
Agenda blindness typically has the following characteristics:
- I feel I am missing an attribute — love, security, vitality, etc. Basically, I’m swinging on a scarcity pendulum.
- I believe someone else can help me feel like I have this attribute.
- I am willing to overlook red flags in order to attain that feeling.
Reading this sounds like a recipe for disaster to me.
So how can you tell if you’ve got agenda blindness? By your willingness to explain away red flags. If you find yourself going, “Well, that’s really not that bad,” or “I guess they know what’s best for me,” or accepting anything that causes your instincts to go off, it means that you’re willing to sacrifice your integrity in exchange for finding an attribute in someone else.
The cure for agenda blindness is finding those attributes in ourselves. When we feel fulfilled in every way, it gives us the capacity to do something remarkable: wait.
When we’re in a desert without water, finding a watering hole is amazing! We will drink from the muddiest hole in the hopes that it will sustain us for a while. But if we have jugs of water that will last us through the desert, we’re far more willing to pass up the mud hole.
The same goes for emotional or physical well-being. If we love ourselves, we’re content to wait for someone who actually loves us, rather than jumping on someone who is just there for what you are willing to give them. If we feel confident in our ability to support ourselves physically, we’ll be content to wait for relationships that offer more than that.
At that point, our agenda is no longer about finding a source to fill our emptiness. It becomes about enjoying ourselves. That agenda doesn’t need another person to fulfill it. It becomes much easier for us to see red flags that tell us not to go too deeply with these people, and to follow that advice.
As we follow this “enjoy myself” agenda, we will find ourselves with other people who also enjoy themselves and aren’t looking for us to fulfill them. This means they won’t need to sacrifice their integrity to meet a need.
When we are with people who have their own integrity, and enjoy being with us, the relationships are both lighter and deeper. We don’t have that underlying feeling of need sticking us together as tightly. But we have a level of integrity that says “I am with you, not because I need you, but because I choose to be with you.”
That’s pretty juicy.