Mirror, Mirror…

When someone tells you that your reaction to their actions simply shows you what you don’t like in yourself, have you ever wanted to slug them?

The spiritual idea of “mirroring” is that, when we react to something out of anger or pain, we are actually reacting to something that is hidden within ourselves. A button is being pushed, and that button is yours, not theirs. This can be true, but there are lots of angles to it.

Taking responsibility for our actions

When someone reacts to what we do, it may be something for them to look at. When several people react to what we do, it becomes something for us to look at. This is no longer a mirror for them; it is a message for us. (If we poke somebody in the eye, it probably should not surprise us if they don’t like that, for example.)

When the universe, your soul, or spirit has something it wants to bring to the mind’s attention, sometimes it uses signs and coincidences and synchronicity to bring attention to the matter, but frequently it does so through other people.

All of these messages (“There are consequences to not paying attention to what you do with your money.” “There are people who want to help you grow.” “Your body is a beautiful vehicle.”) are brought to you from a space of love and acceptance. (The universe holds everything, good or bad, so it’s not like it can really judge what is happening. It just happens. The universe accepts everything.)

The challenge is that people are, well, human. The message of love is filtered through people who have their own challenges with communicating and connecting. So, rather than hearing the message “Use this time to connect to the beauty of the world beyond your windshield” unfiltered, we hear, “HEY!!! YOU!!! STOP TEXTING WHILE DRIVING!!!!” The message is the same. Just… filtered.

The mirror never judges

Because these messages are coming through filters, it can be hard to realize that the universe never judges what we do. Many people are attracted to the concept of mirroring because it allows us to not feel judged by others’ reactions. “It’s not me, it’s them.” If we grew up feeling like we were on display or critiqued for our actions, this gives us an easy way to reflect that critique back to the other person.

When we realize that the universe is sending us messages in the best way it can, given the place we’re currently inhabiting and the filters that surround us, others’ critiques become messages instead of judgments. We all do the best we can, with the limited tools that we have.

And when someone has judged us, they simply know of no better way to protect us from being judged by others (society, church, the tribe, etc.). Their statements reflect their history, not our behavior. Indeed, our behavior may be the message to them, for them to learn how to be more accepting of different expressions of life. At the same time, they are teaching us how to be strong with our message and understand their perspective, having compassion for the fear they feel.

The mirror becomes flexible. Instead of being a defense mechanism, it becomes a way to aid our own growth.

The mirror doesn’t always reflect exactly

When something impacts us, and we think in terms of the mirror, it can be easy to look for an exact reflection. Byron Katie takes this literally, pausing to hear the statement and searching deep inside to where that is true. “You are an awful person!” “Hmmm, I don’t see that on the surface, let me go deeper…. Yes, yes I see where you are right. Thank you.”

If we look inside and can’t find the reflection in ourselves, it may be that we are not ready to deal with that particular aspect of ourselves. And that is all right. When we are ready we can act on it.

It may also be that, instead of an exact reflection, our reaction is calling attention to something different. When we get upset at what something does to us, it may not be because we exactly did this in the past, but because it is unearthing a pattern.

Being upset by atrocities across the globe outside of our control does not necessarily mean that we caused atrocities ourselves. But it could mean that we are taking on more responsibility than is healthy. We may have seen horrible things happen beyond our control that we had to submerge, and so this is reawakening the history we haven’t dealt with.

We may not have been responsible, but we were told we were, and took that to heart, even when it wasn’t. In these cases, looking for the atrocity in ourselves doesn’t make sense. But looking for where we feel responsible for things we aren’t would be the direction to go.

Sometimes a mirror is a mirror

And yes, sometimes, the reaction we find within ourselves really is our own.

When someone does something, each person will react differently, based upon their history. When something makes one person laugh but another get upset, it indicates that something is different in each person’s history. It could be that a teasing remark makes one person feel more powerful than the recipient of the remark, while another person feels the hurt the recipient experienced.

And in this perspective, each person is indeed responsible for their own reaction. In some cases, the reaction may promote healthy growth, and help the person who pushed the button reflect on their actions. Frequently, however, the person who we react to may be uninterested in expanding their perspective. And then the lesson may be to not place ourselves in that situation.

When a particular situation elicits a response, the key I see is asking if that response is something I want to perpetuate. If hearing a remark makes me angry, I can ask myself if I want to feel that. If not, then I can inspect it, find its root, and release the emotional story that is causing the reaction.

We may also find it useful to look at the stimulus. Do we have a certain friend who treats us poorly? Or a work environment that is not conducive to cooperation and co-creation? We may find that the best solution is to walk away. It may be an opportunity, not to change our reaction, but to change our circumstances, to discover why we were in that position in the first place, and to step beyond it.

What kind of mirror is it for you?

When we “get triggered” by something someone does, it can help to take a step back and take a look at the reaction and stimulus from several angles. Do I do this myself? Or is it showing me where I am reacting based upon my history, not based upon the current situation? Or is it waking me up to see where I can grow?

By looking at it from several directions, and listening to the answers within that resonate with you, you can use the mirror to show you so much more than a mere reflection.