I <3 My Ego

Many in the spiritual community speak of the ego as if it were Public Enemy Number One. There are calls to dissolve it, to release ourselves from its grasp, to fight it, to not let it win.

The poor thing gets a bad rap.

The ego is a valuable part of being human. It makes us individual. Without an ego, we would be unable to differentiate ourselves from our neighbors, the wall, or anything else. We would love everything and everyone, but we wouldn’t have preferences. Chocolate and vanilla ice cream would be equally good, and as good as, say, any other ice cream flavor, even one that tasted like mud.

The challenge is helping our egos be healthy.

At birth, the mind is simply an interface for the soul. The mind takes all of the body’s perceptions – touch, taste, smell, sight, heat, sound, emotions – funnels them to the soul, and the soul directs the mind to move the body as required to play The Game of Life.

When the mind becomes an ego, it starts making judgments on its experience, rather than simply reporting on its experience. Many of these judgments are learned from our parents, while others are learned from society or personal experience. These judgments might look something like:

• You have to make your own way in this world.
• You have to be better than your competition.
• Everything will be all right if they are happy.
• Don’t talk to strangers.
• A penny saved is a penny earned.
• Idle hands are the devil’s playthings.
• Some day my prince will come.

When the ego believes a judgment, it also recognizes the cost that judgment incurs. Costs corresponding to the above judgments might include:

• You have to make your own way in this world.
  You can’t trust anyone to help you make your way in this world.
• You have to be better than your competition.
  You hurt the people who could help you make something better together.
• Everything will be all right if they are happy.
  You can’t find happiness for yourself if you can’t make them happy.
• Don’t talk to strangers.
  You won’t meet the stranger who completely opens your eyes.
• A penny saved is a penny earned.
  You’ll feel uncomfortable giving gifts to yourself.
• Idle hands are the devil’s playthings.
  You can’t get off the treadmill.
• Some day my prince will come.
  You’ll be stuck in the tower waiting for him.

If the costs are too great, the ego will spend a lot of energy trying to hide those costs. It doesn’t want to admit that it is causing pain. It is trying to avoid pain. It doesn’t want to say it made a mistake, because it is afraid it will be punished. It only wants love, but is afraid that we will withhold love if we knew the mess it accidentally created in our service.

The ego, in its normal state, is a small child who wants to please you, its parent. That’s all.

The way to move an ego from this panicked, afraid, abused-self state, to a space that is alright with its messes, is to see those costs with love. “Oh my god, I never met the man of my dreams. Oh, Ego, I know you were trying to do the best that you could. I know.” You become the shoulder for the ego to cry on. And it slowly recognizes that it is alright to make mistakes. That if something happens that causes pain, it won’t be chastised. That we can learn without reprimand.

The ego begins to lose its need to judge, as its prior bad judgments are forgiven. And it becomes a mind again.

The cool thing is that, once the mind learns how to be an ego, and the ego learns how to be a mind, it gives you the freedom to choose how to use your noggin at any given point of time.

Because sometimes it’s good to know that you like strawberry ice cream.